escapefromthesystem's Blog

I've never really believed in Karma before.  Don't get me wrong I think bad people will ultimately get their comeuppance - but thats divine justice.  But in the past I didn't think that we draw things to us (or repel them) by our feelings and thoughts.

But it seems to me now that in all my worries, in all my fears, and in all thoughts about running away it seems that events have conspired to force that situation.  However, I don't like to be forced into anything, and that is making me hold on more tightly than ever to the life and circumstances that are such a challenge to me.

Maybe its because I wonder if I'm being tested and I don't want to fail.  Maybe its because I'd rather go out fighting.  May its because I worry how I'll be thought of.  But maybe sometimes it is better to bow out gracefully, but it doesn't look like I'm going to.
 

As a few people seem interested in my situation I am posting this here too -

In this virtual world I seem to beginning to find others who would accept me, but in the real world it would take a pretty drastic change of scenery.

Imagine for a moment you lived in an Amish community. Nothing wrong with that if you like being Amish, and if the Amish don't mind you.

But if you had very different opinions on some things, had a desire to live a different type of life then you wouldn't fit in, and they would see you as someone they would want to exclude.

So you are faced with the choice of making your thoughts and feelings known and trying to live a more 'honest' life - which would lead to you losing your family, your home, your work etc. Or you could leave, and not say anything, with similar results (but avoid facing confrontation, anger, public humiliation).

Maybe I might just suffice myself with having somewhere online I can speak freely and have friends here who accept me, or maybe the pressures of living something so different from who I want to be will lead to me ultimately speaking up or moving out. Or maybe I'll just go back into the shadows entirely, as even communicating online brings the risk that I might be found out.

(BTW, I am not Amish and I don't live in Pennsylvania, but the analogy is pretty close to my situation. I don't want to get into specifics except in private correspondence.)

I posted this elsewhere, but it seems to follow on from my last entry -

I used to think it was my fault I was discontent - that I just need to be like everyone else.  But then I wondered "what if everyone else is wrong?" 

We are part of a system that tells us to value ourselves according to what we have, how well we do at work (at usually pointless jobs), and by whether we conform to everything that comes with this. 

Others try to keep us in this place, sometimes even with good intentions (so that we'll succeed, or be popular, or stay out of trouble).

So if we are sad this might be a good reason - how can we be fulfilled as long as we are part of that machine - a small and disposable part at that.

Maybe we can only find true peace and contentment through building a different world around us - with real friends, a real vocation, and real ideals.

I posted this elsewhere, but wanted to keep a copy here, so that I wouldn't forget it.

This may sound silly, but ... Why can't we be alone together?
Why can't there be an ongoing full time lifelong support group for life?

Why can't we say how we feel without embarrassment?
Why can't we act weird once and a while and still be accepted?

Those who need acceptance or are willing to give it need to form their own society.
It can start online, but it can't end there.

It needs to come with a phone call in the middle of a lonely night, asking someone to hold us so we can get through our nightmare.
It needs to come in offering a safe place to those who need to escape for a while.

It needs to come in sharing our deepest secrets as well as our silliness, knowing that someone else is willing to do the same.

This is a revolution I'd like to see
What is stopping us?

Not everyone lives in the same world.  We may all live on the same planet, we may physically occupy the same country, have a home in the same city, or even work in the same place.  But some people are part of a different world - or at east it looks substantially different from where they are sitting.

This world may be made for us or we might make it for ourselves, or a combination of both.  But once it is made, and it is filled with those we might call family and friends and colleagues, then it is very difficult to get out of.  Who they think we are because our cage, their expectations become our obligations, and we trade in some of our hopes and dreams for what they want for us.

A substantial change might hurt others, they may feel we are betraying them, it might lead to us losing our job, our home, our 'friends', family or community.  Where will we go then?  Where is a place of sanctuary?  Where is someone we can go to, and someone we can run to (or run away with)? 

So we are stuck, hoping to find some solace in an artificial online refuge like this, hoping someone will lend an ear, give some sympathy, maybe eventual understand at least some of our life, if we can find the courage to open up to them.  Or we hope through helping another who may have more of a chance for change, that we might through them taste some of the happiness and freedom we seek, and become and have a real friend.